Monday, September 28, 2015

Dealing with Miscarriage: PART 4

6 Things People Don't Know About Miscarriage

(This is all from my own experience, your experience may be totally different.)

1) It is isolating. Other people don't want you to keep bringing it up, so you don't. But it's the only thing you think about for a long time. It's the only thing you want to talk about, even though no one else wants to hear it any more. Other people don't understand that it lingers.

2) You go through labor. In order for you body to expel its contents, your uterus goes through contractions that get increasingly worse. You bleed heavier, pass clots and finally pass a larger mass, and then the bleeding slows down over the next few days. My very first miscarriage was extremely painful. The second was just REALLY BLOODY. The 3rd was uncomfortable but manageable with ibuprofen. The 4th just felt like regular menstrual cramps.

3) You were connected. A positive pregnancy test TOTALLY changes your life. Whether it was just 5 weeks or 13 weeks, you've spent time day-dreaming about your new baby. You've looked up your due-date and thought about what other life events are happening around then, what trips you might have to cancel because you won't be able to fly, or how you will rearrange your house to accommodate new baby things.

4) It's all valid. No matter what kind of emotional rollercoaster you get on during this journey, it's all valid. Other people may want you to "snap out of it," but your anger, frustration, depression, guilt, relief, exhaustion, happiness or confusion is valid. All these emotions are yours and you're allowed to feel them for as long as you feel them. You may be able to move on quickly. It may take months. Weeks after #2 I showed up at an exercise class...and burst into tears. Months after #1 I was still angry at other new moms and their babies. Don't ignore how you feel. Try to process your feelings by talking with a trusted friend or your spouse, writing them in a journal or talking with a grief counselor.

5) The statistics don't matter. People will try to tell you the statistics, that half of all women will have a miscarriage or blah, blah, blah. Knowing the statistics doesn't matter, it doesn't make it easier to have lost your baby. What does make it easier? I always appreciated hugs and visits from friends.

6) "Staying Busy" doesn't help. I was always really busy. With #1 I was half way through my elementary education program; I was taking 16 credit hours and doing student teaching in a month. With all the rest I've had 3 young kids that I homeschool. But being busy just takes your mind off your problems. It doesn't help you process your emotions. You need to sit down and think about how you feel and why you feel that way. When you're ready you need to start sifting through your emotions rather than letting them pop up in public situations.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 of this series)

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of having to deal with such a heart wrenching trial so many times. I hope you are able to find peace with this most recent one when you are ready for it.

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