Thursday, September 24, 2015

Dealing with Miscarriage: PART 3

WARNING: this series may contain graphic material pertaining to my experience in miscarriage.

(Part 1, Part 2 and Part 4 of this series)
One year after my IUD was placed, it became dislodged. I removed it. The desire to have more kids began to grow. It took about 3 months for me to finally get pregnant, I found out Christmas week. After my previous pregnancy, I was very nervous it would be another molar pregnancy (even though the odds of having 2 is EXTREMELY RARE).

I had two scans. At the first one I was told my dates must be off because the fetus was too small. I immediately started freaking out. I bled on and off for the next two weeks as I waited for my next scan.

Snuggling with my nephew!
At this scan I was told nothing had changed inside my womb and that it was considered a blighted ovum, where no baby was growing, only the placenta. I chose to wait out the miscarriage. It took about 2 more weeks for everything to pass. I miscarried this year on Valentine's Day, just a few hours before we held a party for the Bear. It was one of the most miserable days ever. I plastered on a smile, took a bunch of Advil and sat as much as possible during that 2 hours.

I was miserable and thought that I really never would have any more children. I didn't think I could stand the debilitating emotions that accompanied pregnancy and the loss of pregnancy. I felt defeated and deflated and very sad.

Luckily, I have a fabulous friend who gave me amazing comfort and advice during this time. Even though I felt very depressed I continued to drag myself to playgroup and other activities with my friends. It took a couple months, but I finally stopped feeling depressed...but even more baby hungry than before. The mistake I made was cutting myself off from my dear friend who was pregnant at the time. I, once again, was depressed and didn't want to make her feel bad because she was pregnant and I wasn't.

Jump ahead another 7 months: We had planned on waiting until Christmas but were surprised when we found out I was pregnant a week ago! I was so excited that I immediately got on Amazon and found this shirt to be my Halloween costume! I sent it to my husband so it doubled as my announcement to him as well. I was so giddy and happy that I didn't think anything could go wrong. And then I started bleeding. I was incredulous, how could this be happening again!

I've been quite sad this week. But writing down my experiences has been really helpful. I'm glad that my kids didn't know. I told the Bear and Buddy about being pregnant during my second miscarriage experience. They were really upset when I told them that the baby was gone and that made the whole experience so much harder for me.

Dealing with a miscarriage is very complicated emotionally. On one hand, you feel like you should be able to just move on. People treat you like it's not that big of a deal, especially if you're in your first trimester or already have kids. And while you think you should just be able to move on, it's not that easy. I hope my friends don't think I'm that downer friend that they try to avoid, but more importantly I hope some women find these posts helpful in some way.

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