Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Dealing with Miscarriage: PART 2

WARNING: this may contain graphic information pertaining to my experiences with miscarriage.

(Part 1 of this series)
Fast forward 6 years: I have 3 great kids. The youngest is about to turn 1 and I just found out I'm pregnant again. This wasn't planned and I wasn't ready. I totally freaked out!
The day I found out I was pregnant

After a few days of being distraught by my unexpected news I realized something. I realized I was growing another little baby and this baby needed to know that I loved it. So I started working on my attitude. I ordered a maternity swim suit and a couple new maternity tops to help me get excited about being pregnant again!

I just started feeling good about it all, when I went to my first doctor's appointment. This was a new doctor to me but he was very talkative and friendly...until he started the scan. As soon as that picture popped up he clammed up so fast!

Obviously, this wasn't my first rodeo either; I could tell that what we were looking at did not look right. There wasn't that funny little black and white gummy bear on the screen. I said, "That isn't right is it. What's wrong?" Of course he didn't want to give me bad information or make me worried so he back-peddled out the door and gave me a referral to the hospital.

I sobbed as I walked down that long corridor all alone. I sobbed as I sat in that waiting room full of strangers eyes on me. I didn't even care. Let them all stare at me, I knew what news I was about to get. After I'd spent the last weeks working so hard to be happy it was all being ripped out of my hands again.

It took weeks to get the news. Then weeks to finally schedule the procedure...because it was summer and the doctors were all out of town. I spent weeks knowing that I had a molar pregnancy...potentially cancerous cells growing in my womb. And then the bleeding started. I was 13 weeks along and my D&C wasn't scheduled for another 3 days.

My kids during the week I found out I was miscarrying, they didn't know I was losing it yet.

I passed huge clots and the bleeding was super intense. My nurse friend told me to get to the hospital and that she would take my kids to church and take care of them while we were away. We brought our little children (1, 3 and 4) in their little footie pajamas to her house. I couldn't even get out of the car to walk them in because I was bleeding so heavily.

When we walked into the ER they had to check how heavily I was bleeding (as though I didn't know what heavy bleeding was. By this time my pants had been soaked nearly to the knee.)  I remember the doctor's response. He sounded surprised at the amount of blood. What does it mean when an ER doctor is surprised at the amount of blood he sees?

I was convinced after this ordeal that I wouldn't have any more children. I got an IUD so I could stop having all the emotions connected with pregnancy. I didn't want to be the downer friend any more. I wanted to just be happy again. And I don't know if it was really the IUD or the fact that we moved twice within 6 different states...but I was an emotional wreck for the entire year I had the IUD.

(Continue reading Part 3 and Part 4)

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