WARNING: This series of posts may be considered graphic and contain adult content pertaining to my experiences with miscarriage."But you have three beautiful, healthy kids!" they always remind me. And it's true I do. But that doesn't alleviate the pain and sense of loss for the future I had already started to create for my new baby.
It's happened 4 times now. I have officially had more miscarriages than full-term births.
When I read about other moms I couldn't understand why they would keep trying. Why after going through this horrifying emotional roller coaster would you volunteer to try again? WHY?
Why? Because I love my kids. Yes, they're frustrating and we have bad days. But they bring me the most joy I've ever felt. I work hard with and for my kids every day and it's the most satisfying job I've ever had. And if there is a possibility to add more joy to our home then I want to. It's not selfish. And though some people may think it's insane to volunteer for more work (and yes frustration) I would love to add another child to our happy family.
My first miscarriage was by far the worst. It was also my very first pregnancy. I was happily married, young and getting close to finishing college. I was about 9 weeks along when I went in for an internal scan and the baby was only about 6 weeks along, no heart beat, and I had been spotting for a day or so. It was a horrifying ordeal. I felt like I'd been sucked into a void.
|This is me back in 2007 with my hubby, hoping to be pregnant|
All the plans for the next few months of my life had just evaporated. There no longer was a need to figure out where to put a crib or where I was going to get a crib. It was all gone. And then the bleeding got heavier and (although I didn't realize what was happening to my body at the time) I went into labor and had to flush my little baby down the toilet.
I had never been so devastated. How can you just flush it all away? I screamed and cried. And part of my happy-go-lucky nature died that day.
I spent months being obsessed with babies. I had a horrible time going to church because everyone either was adopting or announcing their pregnancy or bringing home their newborns. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of what I had lost and what I was afraid I would never get. "You're so young. You have plenty of time to have babies. It's going to be OK."
(Continue reading Part 2 and Part 3 and Part 4)